the one that is hard to write

Usually the end of the calendar year doesn't mean that much to me. It's more of a revolving door than the closing of one chapter and beginning of a new one.

But 2013 ending feels different than other years. It's been one of the hardest, darkest years as well as one of the most beautiful and exciting years. My emotions have been to all kinds of extremes, and while I continue to ride this roller coaster of feelings, one thing I know for sure, life doesn’t usually go according to plan. But another truth I have come to cherish is that God has a hand in all things. 

Steve and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years. And it hasn't happened… 

...that’s not entirely true, we did get pregnant the end of 2011 but lost the baby at 11 weeks.

I never thought I would be the girl struggling to get pregnant. I just assumed it would happen right away--because why would you assume otherwise unless you knew something was working against you?

It started about April of 2011, when we first began trying. The negative test didn’t wreck me in those first months. I thought, and read—extensively, that sometimes it takes a few months. So, we continued, and we found out we were pregnant in September! We were thrilled and ready to tell the world!

However Heavenly Father had other plans for that baby. We miscarried the middle of November, on our first anniversary, non-the less. As hard as the following months were I really had no idea what emotional roller coaster was awaiting us.

The doctor said most of the time we don’t know why these things happen and after a few months you can start trying again. So we did just that. Spring came and went.

Summer.

Fall.

Winter.

A year since the miscarriage.

The dark months. The months of the realization that this may not go how I planned it. The months of weeping, the days of anger and jealousy. These were ugly days. I didn't prepare for these. I anticipated sadness and disappointment. Even worry. But I didn't anticipate anger to show up.

Steve graduated, we moved, we bought a house, we had things going on. Once things settled down, surely it will happen again.

Nothing.

I had never felt both scared and furious at the same time. I was angry. And then I was embarrassed and disappointed in myself for being angry.

Why on earth am I mad about this?

It was the middle of 2013 that I decided I really couldn’t live like this anymore.  It was completely consuming my life. My “time of the month” would come and I felt like my life just fell apart. Steve would have to deal with a frustrated crying/angry wife, let alone deal with his own feelings of disappointment. I was tired of being depressed and being a hard person to be around.

It hasn't happened overnight. It has taken work but slowly i'm digging myself out of that depressed/anger filled hole.

I'm choosing to let it go. It isn't erased, I still feel sadness, deep sadness, but I choose to trust Heavenly Father with it. No matter what happens. 

I can't go back and change how I started my walk down this road, and I wouldn't. I have learned so much about what it means to wait and to really give your worries and fears over to Heavenly Father. To let go of control and plans in your life. I'm thankful that I learned these things.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if we'll get pregnant. I don't know if it will happen naturally, or if we will need medical assistance. I don't know if we'll have to bury the dream of getting pregnant. I don't know if we'll adopt. I don't know if we'll not have children at all. 

So I'm glad 2013 is coming to a close. It was a tough year. But I'm also grateful to be moving on with peace in my heart that Heavenly Father knows, and it's all going to be okay--whatever it is.

I'm nervously hopeful for 2014, because God may give us some answers. They might be tough. Or they may be wonderful.

I'm so immensely thankful to know a gracious and loving Heavenly Father. And I'm so very thankful for what a blessing my husband has been to me. I've never loved him more.

So, let me finish with saying this: if you are waiting for something..... anxiously anticipating the next chapter of your life...You are prayed for. I pray for you women trying to get pregnant. I pray that you handle it better than I did!

And beyond that, know that you have a Heavenly Father, who loves you, and is not surprised by what is happening in your life. He knows what will happen, and you have to try to rest in that.

*I hope this post doesn't read as a cry for help/advice. I just wanted to share what I have learned.