100th post: Yay, for working body parts!

Just like other holidays and special anticipated days, Mother's day has a sting...

the sting of something we hoped would have happen by then.

Back in December I wrote this post: the one that is hard to write that has more detail about what has been going on.

Since December we decided to go ahead and try IUI (inter uterine insemination). We did our first IUI February 10th but come to find out it didn't work.

March 15th we did our second IUI and added Clomid and Femara to hopefully help if i'm not ovulating regularly. The medicine, I think, caused me to be quite a bit more irritable and really just not feel like myself but just like other things I didn't want to do, i'd do them again and again to get a baby here.

 My regular doctor was out of town when it came time to have the IUI done so I had to have another doctor do it. In retrospect this IUI was the best one logistically but the worst physically. I don't know if that made sense... :) but looking back the doctor who did this IUI was not as good at it as my regular doctor and so the procedure was more painful but everything else looked better than any other time.

We had high hopes. I always tell myself to not do that but it really is impossible to not so you just have to take the hit when it doesn't work. Which is exactly what happened.

April 18th, good friday, we went in for our 3rd IUI. Again we had taken Clomid and Femara. Between ovulating really late and having a "fair" sperm sample because of ovulating late, sorry if thats TMI but really one of the coolest things about having an IUI is you get to look at the sperm sample under a microscope. I remember walking back into the room after looking at the sample and looking at each other and saying "you think we should even continue with this one?" We didn't have much hope this time around but we knew miracles could happen so we went ahead and had it done. 10 days later (its important to have 14 days) the cycle started over so our timing was pretty off just like we thought.

We have obviously run the whole spectrum of emotions. I have been angry, bitter, hurt, sad, emotional, happy, and excited...sometimes all at once. Watching the calendar every day, like a hawk, desperately holding on to any hope...just to come crashing down when the cycle started all over.

In May we decided to take a break from the IUI's and medicine. We decided to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done. Basically the HSG is a test to make sure your fallopian tubes are not blocked and that your uterus is not misshaped. They put dyed fluid into the uterus and take an x-ray and make sure it goes where it needs to.

I was really nervous because the nurses, google, and people I talked to said it was really uncomfortable. Even one lady said "I can't believe they don't put you out for it!" YIKES! I have never prayed harder for physical endurance.

Cinco de Mayo day we went to the hospital to have the test done. The nurse had told me to be there about 8:10 a.m. so they could prep me before the doctor got there at 8:30. We got there at 8:00 a.m. but it took 30 mins for us to get checked in...we got a new guy so he was a little slow but eventually we got where we needed to be.

By the time we got back there the Doctor was already there but hey I was there at 8:00 :) Long story short everything went so well. As far as pain, my 2nd IUI was worse and everything as far as fallopian tube blockage and uterus shape were excellent.    

That was great news and disappointing news at the same time. Afterwards the doctor even said "so we haven't found anything wrong with you huh?"

It also means there are more difficult "adult" decisions to be made. I'm just praying more than ever we can be close to the spirit to make the right decisions.

So i guess the only thing to think now is, as my sister said, "yay for working body parts!" :)

I'm grateful that so far my body is healthy and seems to be doing everything right but sometimes I think it would be easier to deal with if we had an actual problem to fix.

This past week Steve's brother came home from his mission and it was so exciting to see him......

but it also caused some very sad depressing feelings to come to the surface. He had been gone 2 years......

we have been trying to have a baby the whole time he was gone......

we had been trying to have a niece or nephew for him when he got back......  

when he left we had all sorts of hope of what would be happening in our lives when he got back......

now don't get me wrong many awesome things/blessings happened while he was gone, graduating, buying a house, going on a cruise, health, getting a raise, getting a fish tank :)

so I had to make myself count my blessingS! yes I capitalized that S because no we didn't get the blessing of having a baby while he was gone but we have been given many other blessingS.

So I will be doing that same thing this Mothers day and every other hard day. I will be counting my blessingS! Thats what gets me through reading or hearing about other peoples success of conceiving or having a child and feeling so empty because we aren't quite there.
 
I guess sometimes the best destinations have the longest journeys.....

to all those Mom's past and present, future and hopeful....

Happy Mothers Day!

I love this video! It says exactly what I feel and how much I love my mom for her love and support to me through this journey!